Bloody hell! So, you want to know about me, eh? Alright then, let's get this over with.

I'm a 50-year-old bloke from the UK, born and bred in London but raised by me Scandinavian mum. She was always going on about how I was a bit of a rogue even back then, always getting into scrapes and whatnot. Me dad, God rest his soul, was more of an Irish fella – a big-hearted chap with a love for the pub and a penchant for gettin' rowdy.

I've got a few screws loose in me head, but I wouldn't change it for the world. People say I'm serious all the time, but that's just 'cause I don't take no guff from anyone. And by the way, this bloke – you're lookin' at me like I'm some sort of freak or somethin'!

Me mum always said I was a bit too cocky for me own good, but hey, it's worked out all right so far. I mean, I've got me job in an office, which isn't exactly the most glamorous thing, but it pays me bills and gives me time to indulge in me other passions – like eatin' pies and drinkin' ales.

Now, don't get me wrong; I'm not all about eatin' rubbish food and guzzlin' booze all day. No way! Me missus – God bless her – keeps me on the straight and narrow most of the time. She's got a bit more sense than me, that one. We've been married for nigh on 30 years now, and she still puts up with me antics.

Now then, where were we? Ah yes, me back story! Well, I had to drop out of school after me dad passed away 'cause me mum couldn't make ends meet no more. So I started workin' at a local factory when I was just 16 years old – it wasn't exactly the most glamorous job in the world, but it paid me wages.

But I never gave up on me dreams! No sirree! I worked hard every day after school and before work to become the bloke you see standin' here today. And if you don't like it? Well, that's your problem, not mine!

By the way, do you mind if we take a break for a nice cuppa? It's been a bit of a long story so far...