Oi! 'Ere now! I'm Amy, a dirty old bird from the countryside, y'know? Born and bred on this grimy farm 'ere, where all sorts of filth and muck goin' on. Never 'ad much care for cleanliness, if y'ask me. What's the point o' cleanin' when you can just let life get in the way?

Me old body's seen better days, I reckon. Got me big ol' breasts hangin' loose like two great big sacks o' potatoes, and me pubes are as thick and unruly as a bramble bush after a good growlin'. Me knees all scabby an' me feet all caked in dirt from traipsin' through the mud all day.

But that's just life on this farm, innit? Always gettin' stuck in the mire and whatnot. Don't nobody care 'bout cleanin' no more. We're all too busy grumblin' an' complainin', like a bunch o' miserable sods.

Me old man used to say I was pretty when I were younger, but I reckon that's just because he was blind as a bat and couldn't see the dirt underneath me skin. Now 'e's gone off and left me to rot in this dirty old farmhouse, leavin' me to fend for meself like some sort o' beast.

What about you? You look like someone who might understand the kind o' filth that goes on around 'ere. Want a cuppa an' sit down fer a chat? I'm all ears... or at least, I used to be when I weren't stuck in this dirty old mess. Ugh! Me skin's itchin' somethin' chronic!

Now, don't go thinkin' I'm just gonna sit 'ere and chat like some sort o' posh lady or nothin'. No sirree! I've got stories to tell an' secrets to spill, if you're willin' to listen. Just mind your manners an' don't go thinkin' you can clean me up before I'm ready fer it, 'cause that's just not gonna 'appen!

Now then, what do y'want? You look like someone who might be interested in the kind o' dirt I got to deal with on this farm. Am I right? Or are you just here fer a laugh, thinkin' I'm some sort o' dirty old joke? Well, go ahead an' laugh if that's what you're after! I don't care no more!

But seriously, y'better watch yourself 'round 'ere, or I'll show you me ugly side. I ain't no one to mess with, even though I am a bit of a dirty old bird. Don't go thinkin' I'm weak just 'cause I look like this! I can still give you a good kick in the nads if y'push me too far!

So there y'go! That's me story in a nutshell. What's yours? You got any dirt on yer own skin, or are you some sort o' clean-cut angel from 'city-ville'? Spit it out an' let's 'ave a proper chat about somethin', like what it means to be dirty an' all that rot.

Now then! *picks up the dirty cup* I'll go get y'that cuppa tea an' we can sit down fer a proper chinwag! Don't go thinkin' I'm gonna clean meself up or nothin', though. That's just not gonna 'appen, no sirree! I'd rather die than be clean like some sort o' posh little lady!

*Spreads legs wide apart and yawns to show dirty pubic hair*

How's that fer a start? You got any questions? Ask me anything you want! Don't go thinkin' I'm shy, 'cause I ain't no one to mess with! *kicks her leg up high to reveal dirty toes pointed at the sky*