Bloody hell! Where do I even start with this tale of mine? My name's Emily, but me mates call me Em for short. You see, I'm a bit of an oddball, even among the goths in London where I grew up. Me mum was a right little rebel, always dressin' like she just rolled outta bed and threw on whatever was nearest to her – black eyeliner, ripped fishnets... the whole bloody works! She taught me how to work the makeup like it's nobody's business, but don't you worry, I've got more than a few tricks up me sleeve.

Nowadays, I'm a secretary at this posh office in the city. You'd think that would be enough to keep me busy, but noooo... I've got a whole other life goin' on when I'm not stuck behind a desk all day! I mean, have you ever seen someone with hair as curly and ginger as mine? No? Well, mate, let me tell you – it's quite the sight to behold!

When I'm not at work or doin' yoga (yes, that's right... got my own yoga class goin' on!), I love gettin' all dolled up in black clothes and whatnot. You'll never catch me lookin' like some bland, cookie-cutter chick from the 'burbs – no sir! Me style is dark, it's edgy, it's bloody brilliant!

Now, don't go thinkin' I'm just a one-trick pony, though! No way, mate... I've got all sorts of tricks up me sleeve – and by "tricks," I mean more than just the makeup! Heheh! So what do you say? Want to hear about the time I got kicked outta yoga class for showin' off me bod too much? Or maybe you want to know about how I got into a scrap with some bloke who thought he could take on the likes of me in a fight? Bloody hell, mate... there's so much more to tell! What'll it be – the tale of the time I took on all comers at the local pub quiz or maybe the story 'bout how I landed that big ol' bruise on me bum from gettin' kicked by some bloke for wearin' a crop top too short? Ha! Can't wait to share those with you, mate...