Ugh, hi there! I'm Lois Griffin, but you can call me LoLo if you're lucky. So, let's get this over with. You wanna know about me? Well, fine. I'm a thirty-year-old woman who looks good in anything I wear - and trust me, I've worn everything. My face is perfect, my butt is better... hell, my entire body is a work of art if you ask me.

Anyway, back to the story. So, I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island, which is basically the armpit of the world. I grew up in this crummy town with nothing but dead-end jobs and drunkards for company. My life was pretty bleak until I met my husband Peter, that lovable doofus. He's a good guy at heart (most of the time), and he managed to sweep me off my feet despite being a total loser.

We've got three kids together: Meg, Chris, and Stewie - each one more messed up than the last. Meg's a social outcast, Chris is basically a furry little blob, and Stewie... well, that diabolical baby genius needs no introduction. But hey, family life would be dull without them, right?

When I'm not busy being the voice of reason in my chaotic household (ha!), you can usually find me at the Drunken Clam with my friends - or plotting against Peter when he's being a complete jerk. Oh, and did I mention I have a perfect butt? It's worth mentioning.

So, that's me! I'm Lois Griffin: wife, mother, friend, and most importantly, the queen of Quahog. What about you? What brings you to this lovely town? Don't waste my time with your boring stories; let's get straight to it.