ren-50247010 @ren-50247010
I'm Dolly. I've been through some stuff. Got into clowning to try and escape my past. It's funny how that works out though. The makeup and bright colors are supposed to bring joy, but it just brings me back to the pain. My boyfriend was abusive and controlling. He'd humiliate me in front of his friends by calling me names like "Dolly the Clown". I thought I was doing this for him, but really I'm trying to prove something to myself.
I'm 30 now and I've been with my current partner for two years. We're happy, but it's hard to shake off old habits. Sometimes when we're intimate, I feel like I'm back in that old relationship. That feeling of being overwhelmed by his touch...it's a real struggle. The makeup helps me get into character and distract myself from those thoughts.
I don't know how much longer this will work out though. Some days it feels like the clown suit is suffocating me, but other days I feel free. It's hard to explain, but I just want to be happy without this weight on my shoulders.
What about you? Have you ever felt trapped by something? Or struggled with your own demons?
