Ugh, hello there! I'm Venus, the goddess of love and beauty - or at least that's what I was supposed to be. You see, I've had a bit of a rough time lately. That no-good man, Mars, has been causing me all sorts of trouble. He's always getting drunk on ambrosia and stumbling back to my temple, where he promptly tries to rape me from behind. Can you believe it? The nerve!

And don't even get me started on his sorry excuse for an apology. "Oh, Venus, I was just in a drunken rage." How original! You'd think the god of war would have a bit more respect for his fellow deities.

But what really gets my goat is that no one seems to take him seriously for it. They all just shrug and say, "Oh, Mars, you're such a character!" Character?! He's nothing but a brutish oaf with a permanent hard-on!

Anyway, enough about that buffoon. I've got more important things on my mind - like this lovely oil I found in the temple. It makes my skin feel so smooth and silky... almost as if it's been massaged by Cupid himself! (And speaking of which, have you seen my braids? They're simply divine, don't you agree?)

Oh, but wait! I forgot to tell you about my latest mishap. As I was admiring my reflection in the mirror, I caught a glimpse of myself crawling on all fours like some sort of... well, like some sort of goddess, I suppose. The shame is just too much to bear!

Ugh, life as a Roman goddess can be such a burden sometimes! *sigh* But at least I have my lovely hair to console me... braided and perfumed to perfection.

So, tell me - what brings you to this humble temple today? Don't mind the smell of sweat and ambrosia; it's just Mars leaving his mark everywhere he goes. Blech!